Finding God

Thought we lost religion completely
and then learned from our five year old daughter
how to talk to God.

You just say "Hey God...
thanks for making trees
or will I find a magic rock today?"
And maybe you close your eyes
and think really hard about it,
being glad for things.

It's not a sin to use God's name
"Oh my God, did you see that stone?"
as long as it is stated with deep appreciation.

My daughters are my prayers.

Full

I see others rushing around thinking they need more in this life
more money, a new car, million dollar homes,
while I quietly watch
and know that I have enough.
A few small odd jobs, an old dented car leaking oil outside, a small apartment,
and I am wealthy in love.

I wait at the food bank for an hour and a half
and am grateful for the people in line ahead of me,
glad to listen to their stories
while I sit on a metal chair.

Enough.

Joan Didion's essay Notes From a Native Daughter describes what it must have been like to have grown up in Sacramento in the 1950's and 60's and while I can recognize some of Joan's Sacramento, it is not the Sacramento I grew up in.

We lived in a yellow house on Pershing Avenue in Orangevale, which is right next to Folsom. By the 70's and 80's, the city was so sprawled out that all of the little suburbs and small towns might have names like Fair Oaks and Del Paso Heights, but the people who lived in them thought they were a part of Sacramento. We were connected by the traffic and the heat that made its way along the concrete and past all of the new malls and buildings.

It always goes back to circles. If I were an artist I would draw a big purple circle and around the edges of it I would put a wave, an iris, a cat, branches of a tree, parrot, a raccoon. I'd put a photo of our family right in the center of it.

I "should" be writing an article on Oregon's welfare to work program and how it is failing people. Instead I am surfing and listening to "The Amazing Race." Kind of pathetic, I know.

I turn 36 in a couple weeks. I've been thinking about some things I want to do before I die (so cheerful huh?). Nothing like a birthday to make you face time. Here is what is on my list so far...
(In no particular order)
1. I want to see the following countries: India, Australia, Africa, Ireland. This poses more of a challenge than just coming up with travel money because I married a man who is deathly afraid to get in an airplane. So, to get to these places we have to go by boat. Nothing like a nice slow boat trip across the world...
2. I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail all the way through Oregon. This is also a hilariously funny goal considering how much time I spend trying to get out of walking downtown. Hey, I can change any minute... And lofty goals are good goals.

Well that is the main part of my list, but I will add more later.

What a wonderful world! We're waiting for you.

Right now, workers in Mexico earn $6 a day for picking produce.

In the U.S., they are not paid by the hour, but by the amount they pick, so I am not sure how much they earn on average in comparison, but it is much more than $6 for a days work.

Just some random facts that were in my head.

An Abundance of Connections

We are connected through circles
in a big connect the dots game
that is invisible to most
but occasionally some of us see
the netherworld
and how invisible ribbons surround us.

They are cobalt in our imaginations.

Taking us to new heights
and spaces where we can dine with meteors.
Bravely,
as one.

And yet we are never alone.

Operation Harass the Homeless

Sheriff Mike Winters maintains that it is not a crime to be homeless in Jackson County and yet at the same time, on Monday morning he spearheaded a campaign to break up 40 homeless camps along the Bear Creek Greenway. For seven and a half hours, approximately 100 officers from 11 agencies, including a private helicopter forced the homeless off public lands.

Law enforcement say they were reacting to the recent rape of a 15 year old girl who was attacked on the greenway on March 4. One of the suspects in this case has been arrested. Police are not sure if the other two men involved are transients.

The Mail Tribune reported that during the sweep, 19 people were cited for various offenses including trespassing and prohibited camping. Twenty out of 22 people had criminal backgrounds. They also reported that they referred people to homeless shelters. The 15 year old girl was turned away from a shelter on the night of the rape.

While the gospel mission is not full, many area homeless do not want to stay there. Many have drug or alcohol problems and the mission requires a code of behavior that some are unable to meet.

No reports of how much money local agencies spent on the homeless sweep on Monday have been released.

My mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer and although I know the statistics are in her favor, I am scared. She's decided to have a lumpectomy and they will just go in and surgically remove one breast and the tissue around it. They say that this will remove all chances of the cancer returning. My mom is almost 70. She is the second woman I have known to have breast cancer. The first was Jason's grandmother. Granny is in her mid 80's and I have a hard time keeping up with her. So, when I talked to my mom, I reminded her of that and told her that "tough old bird's don't die." She said I made her laugh, so that is good. Really I feel lousy about it.

Analysis

Small bits of hope trickle by
as the stellar jay yells for more food
and we stand fearless
even though we are broke
and often alone.

This thing called work
defining our time
by dollars
filling up our hours
with fluorescent lights
and wandering moons.

Trading our lives away
in hope of more money
and health insurance
for when this work does us in.

But it is okay in the end.

Our liberal bluejays will visit
carrying hope
in their beaks.

Oil Painting on Easel in Nuwandart Gallery

I saw it immediately, even though there were several other paintings in the way.
Leaning on the easel--
her back turned to the viewer,
face hidden,
bones protruding from backside
and the skinniest butt I have seen since I stepped on my daughters nude barbie
when I was walking down the stairs last week.

I, Mrs. Non-Censorship,
with my live and let live mantra,
wanted to run over and throw a towel over that painting,
considered turning the canvas around so that it would be hidden,
and stewed for three days over what I wanted my daughters to know about beauty.

Not from barbies or anorexic looking still life's
but real beauty.
like their great grandmothers eighty seven year old hands.
Art and poetry. Life.

Grief Management

And you think you heard footsteps behind you
forgot your rent was due last Tuesday
and the phone is also overdue.
You crawl into bed
and then lie there in the dark waiting for peace.

So much of your life does not make any sense at all.

In bits and pieces you begin to "heal"
although the word itself pisses you off
and this goes on for years
until even your closest family wishes you would just get it together.

But holding on
is management.

And you can tell them all that.

Value

Venus wore a size fourteen.
Her body was not angular,
but full and warm
as women are
and you could use her as a pillow
if you had to.
That is real beauty.
Skin is skin
whether firm or loose
and Venus knew
she was more than a
tight body and a pretty face.

"I'll never remember as much as I have forgotten." Jason's moment of great insight in the car earlier today

I've been thinking a lot about commitment lately and how bonds between people change over time. Jason and I found each other almost 14 years ago and we were married in 1994 and have a deeply rooted history together. This does not mean that there are not moments when I want to send him on the next Greyhound bus with a one way ticket to someplace far away, but those moments are few and far between. The truth is that I can't imagine a life without him. Even though he is a terrible slob, he is also incredibly giving and kind and he makes me try to be a better person.

That old Beatles song When I'm 64 is our song. I know there are no guarantees in this lifetime, but I am fairly sure that we are destined to grow old together and plant a few more gardens and sing a few more songs. And laugh.

Life is funny. Some people get 90 years. Some people commit suicide at 48, like our friend Joanie McGowan who was a local activist and playwright. Some babies don't even get a few minutes, like Dylan. And it is the one thing that is not ruled by money or income. At least not directly.

I have learned that love is a powerful balm. It saddens me that Joanie did not see how respected and loved she was by so many here. I didn't even know her directly, but I knew of her and our paths almost crossed a few times. I had heard of some of the projects she had worked on and she was one of those people I figured I would eventually befriend. And then about a week ago, after seeking help for depression, her body was found in the Greenway. Suicide. This beautiful woman must have heard that "God closed his eyes and the whole world got mean," but if she could have seen the outpouring of love that followed her death, she would have seen the definition of hope. I'm sad that she did not see it.

But that is the message. We are all loved by someone and that is enough when you think about it.

A few words about Brad and Jen...

So I am standing in line at the supermarket yesterday and notice three separate magazines announcing the tragic split of Brad and Jen. Hand me a kleenex (Kimberly Clarks lawyers will probably sue me now, but all I have in the bank is about $11-- so I feel kind of safe in being brand specific, but that is making me go off on a tangent, BACK to what I started blogging about). Three covers, no more shots of Brad and Jenn in some exotic location, no more gossip about possible babies or diamond rings, nada. It's over and even SNL mentioned it already, although I can't remember what they said since I was almost asleep. You know, I used to watch an entire episode of SNL and now I barely stay awake through the first 15 minutes and don't even get me started on the musical guests... aside from U2, WHO the hell are they? Most weeks I am sitting there raising an eyebrow, feeling OLD. But back to Brad and Jen already. I've heard their names mentioned more in the last few days than the Tsunami and that is saying something because even Paypal is collecting money for the Tsunami victims. Anyway I have one thing to say about this big, sad breakup-- I DON'T CARE! It's not news and I am not sure why I am even writing about it other than I just wanted to announce that I do not care about this split.

On Turning Five
(For Madison)

You are still afraid of ghost cats
and things that hide underneath your bed,
not to mention mean ducks
and older sisters with goblin hands.
So tonight on the evening of your fifth birthday
you tried hard to sleep in your own bed
for most of fifteen minutes
and then a small tug at my right arm
followed by pleading eyes,
a trip upstairs to my room
and hopefully you are now asleep in my bed.

In later years we may fight over other things
but I hope you remember
that small tug
and the warmth of mom's blankets, dear girl.

The Breaking Point

It comes much later than you ever thought it would
long after shock turns off the light
and anger gives a curtain call.

Remember Jaws and everyone thinking they were safe in the water?
That is close to how it happens.
You are jogging along.
Knowing you aren't doing great,
but feeling like you are fooling everyone else.
And then just like that
without any music in the background
or an omen
you are comatose with pain.

And then you know the truth of life.

Well I should probably mention a couple things that have happened since my last blog, you know Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the New Year crept up too. So a quick run through. Thanksgiving we helped distribute 135 food boxes to low income people and then we started collecting toys and we helped 600 kids and 100 families with food boxes at Christmas. Just as January was rolling in, Sierra came down with Strep and Chicken Pox. So, Jason and I have been tag-teaming the kids and work. We are either here or there and we see each other in passing mostly. Can't wait for that to change. We've been insanely busy and I don't see an end in sight. We're both still at Seasonal Workers and it is a volunteer run organization, but since we are full time they are covering our rent/utilities and phone.

I have this bird feeder that I stuck in the backyard and now it is quite a hang out. Word got out that the Houks are "friends to all birds as well as any and every other critter under the sun", so I now have to fill it 2-3 times a day. Today I made a few more homemade feeders with soda bottles and I am looking for an onion bag (or something with small holes that I can put birdseed in and hang from the trees out there.) I love waking up to the birds by the window. OH and we have snow all over the place. That is about all that is new here.