I've been thinking a lot about commitment lately and how bonds between people change over time. Jason and I found each other almost 14 years ago and we were married in 1994 and have a deeply rooted history together. This does not mean that there are not moments when I want to send him on the next Greyhound bus with a one way ticket to someplace far away, but those moments are few and far between. The truth is that I can't imagine a life without him. Even though he is a terrible slob, he is also incredibly giving and kind and he makes me try to be a better person.

That old Beatles song When I'm 64 is our song. I know there are no guarantees in this lifetime, but I am fairly sure that we are destined to grow old together and plant a few more gardens and sing a few more songs. And laugh.

Life is funny. Some people get 90 years. Some people commit suicide at 48, like our friend Joanie McGowan who was a local activist and playwright. Some babies don't even get a few minutes, like Dylan. And it is the one thing that is not ruled by money or income. At least not directly.

I have learned that love is a powerful balm. It saddens me that Joanie did not see how respected and loved she was by so many here. I didn't even know her directly, but I knew of her and our paths almost crossed a few times. I had heard of some of the projects she had worked on and she was one of those people I figured I would eventually befriend. And then about a week ago, after seeking help for depression, her body was found in the Greenway. Suicide. This beautiful woman must have heard that "God closed his eyes and the whole world got mean," but if she could have seen the outpouring of love that followed her death, she would have seen the definition of hope. I'm sad that she did not see it.

But that is the message. We are all loved by someone and that is enough when you think about it.

A few words about Brad and Jen...

So I am standing in line at the supermarket yesterday and notice three separate magazines announcing the tragic split of Brad and Jen. Hand me a kleenex (Kimberly Clarks lawyers will probably sue me now, but all I have in the bank is about $11-- so I feel kind of safe in being brand specific, but that is making me go off on a tangent, BACK to what I started blogging about). Three covers, no more shots of Brad and Jenn in some exotic location, no more gossip about possible babies or diamond rings, nada. It's over and even SNL mentioned it already, although I can't remember what they said since I was almost asleep. You know, I used to watch an entire episode of SNL and now I barely stay awake through the first 15 minutes and don't even get me started on the musical guests... aside from U2, WHO the hell are they? Most weeks I am sitting there raising an eyebrow, feeling OLD. But back to Brad and Jen already. I've heard their names mentioned more in the last few days than the Tsunami and that is saying something because even Paypal is collecting money for the Tsunami victims. Anyway I have one thing to say about this big, sad breakup-- I DON'T CARE! It's not news and I am not sure why I am even writing about it other than I just wanted to announce that I do not care about this split.

On Turning Five
(For Madison)

You are still afraid of ghost cats
and things that hide underneath your bed,
not to mention mean ducks
and older sisters with goblin hands.
So tonight on the evening of your fifth birthday
you tried hard to sleep in your own bed
for most of fifteen minutes
and then a small tug at my right arm
followed by pleading eyes,
a trip upstairs to my room
and hopefully you are now asleep in my bed.

In later years we may fight over other things
but I hope you remember
that small tug
and the warmth of mom's blankets, dear girl.

The Breaking Point

It comes much later than you ever thought it would
long after shock turns off the light
and anger gives a curtain call.

Remember Jaws and everyone thinking they were safe in the water?
That is close to how it happens.
You are jogging along.
Knowing you aren't doing great,
but feeling like you are fooling everyone else.
And then just like that
without any music in the background
or an omen
you are comatose with pain.

And then you know the truth of life.

Well I should probably mention a couple things that have happened since my last blog, you know Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the New Year crept up too. So a quick run through. Thanksgiving we helped distribute 135 food boxes to low income people and then we started collecting toys and we helped 600 kids and 100 families with food boxes at Christmas. Just as January was rolling in, Sierra came down with Strep and Chicken Pox. So, Jason and I have been tag-teaming the kids and work. We are either here or there and we see each other in passing mostly. Can't wait for that to change. We've been insanely busy and I don't see an end in sight. We're both still at Seasonal Workers and it is a volunteer run organization, but since we are full time they are covering our rent/utilities and phone.

I have this bird feeder that I stuck in the backyard and now it is quite a hang out. Word got out that the Houks are "friends to all birds as well as any and every other critter under the sun", so I now have to fill it 2-3 times a day. Today I made a few more homemade feeders with soda bottles and I am looking for an onion bag (or something with small holes that I can put birdseed in and hang from the trees out there.) I love waking up to the birds by the window. OH and we have snow all over the place. That is about all that is new here.